There are 5 steps to navigate teen rebellion. The first 4 steps listed are conscious parenting mindset shifts and the fifth one is one of the conscious communication skills, I teach clients.
1.) Teen “Rebellion” is Developmentally Appropriate
Teens need to define themselves away from us. We want them to do so. They must experiment with all the parts of themselves that they deem as not being like us in order to be whole individuals. Yes, it can be uncomfortable and even painful to us, particularly if we are in the habit of taking their “push back” personally. First and foremost, remember that perceived teen rebellion is “normal.”
2.) Remember Your Parenting Purpose
One of the tenets of conscious parenting is showing up in the present moment with our teens as free of personal baggage as possible. We want to support our teens for who they are as individuals and not burden them emotionally with who we might wish or need them to be. That includes letting go of the role of being needed by them. We can unconsciously sabotage independence if we don’t support their independence.
3.) Respect Teen Autonomy
Teens “rebel” when we attempt to control them. Why?
They are forming their own identities.
No one likes to be controlled. It may help to think of a time when your boss or spouse tried to control you instead of honoring your uniqueness or creativity. We all want to be seen as individuals with the dignity of self-governing autonomy. We can best bypass teen rebellion when we act and speak in a respectful way that aligns with our teen’s personhood.
4.) How to Hold Boundaries
Just because we want to show up emotionally present with empathetic actions and compassionate speech with our teens, does not mean we become permissive parents. Teens need structure and we need to respect our own personal boundaries. We can frame boundaries as being respectful of us. Teens need to hear us say when something crosses a boundary. How else we they know how to uphold their personal boundaries?
5.) ACTION ITEM: Open-ended Questions Help Bypass the Defense Mechanism of Teen “Rebellion”
Open-ended questions are questions that invite an answer beyond yes or no. When we ask open-ended questions of our teens, we communicate that we respect their personal autonomy, and we wish to listen to their perspective.
Here’s an example…
Are you willing to consider scheduling this activity on another day; share why or why not?
Not only does this demonstrate respecting them, but it models how we want to be respected too. If this way of conversing is new to you, that’s okay.
It takes a new paradigm, and it takes PRACTICE! Let’s talk about HOW.
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