Sometimes teens feel parents are too “demanding” on their free time. Conversely parents may push teens to be more “responsible.”

Then comes the back-to-school preparations and the summer of impactful connection and conversation with teachable moments seems to slip away.

Anyone relate?

I recently worked with a parent who was feeling a deep desire to connect with their teen but struggled to get their teens off screens long enough to do so. The parent was diligently working hard to implement conscious communication and invite collaboration rather than dictate terms, after seeing that “telling” just called up the defense systems.

Their teen insisted he could do things himself, like load a dishwasher and use the barbeque pit even though he had never been taught how. Their teen wanted to assert his capability even though he needed help.

I coached Dad to affirm his son, by saying.

“Of course you can do this. I know you are very capable. I just need to comfort my Dad anxiety and be sure you can do it safely. Please let me show you one time and then you can do the next time all by yourself.” His son heard him and was able to back off, watch and learn.”

Hooking a teen’s defense system gets in the way of their growth, but we, as adults, are the ones that can be flexible. Their need to protect their autonomy and be seen as “grown up” is a very normal part of their development. In fact, one of the hallmarks of positive youth development is to gain a sense of competence in skills.

So, how do we take up the mantle of problem solving without infringing on their desire to be competent and even assert their identity as different from us as their parents?

One way is the collaborative problem-solving opportunity provided when using a 3-choice strategy.

You can even bypass their defensiveness. Teens are more likely to hear us and participate in the process of joint decision-making, when they see us respect their autonomy. (This is particularly true if you have a neurodivergent teen!)

I have a new PDF that shows how the 3-choice strategy works with teens, and I would love to share it with you.

Email, “3” to Laura@LauraLReagan.com and share what problem you want to solve collaboratively with your teen. Then, I will send it over.

I look forward to hearing from you!